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Cul de Cuvée: 06 May 2023
Bluntly-curated bits from the world of drink, served up "mostly fresh".
Okay everyone, we need to have a little talk about boxed wine. Like many a Gen X child, I was largely scarred by its appearance at any family or group of parents gathering. Looming there with that general stank of weird fruit that I would later learn is reduction, the only thing a child liked about boxed wine from the 1980s was the fact that you simply waited until parents and company were "happy/loud", swipe the box, tear out the bag, blow it up and use it to whap the shit out of siblings. This was boxed wine's place, but it didn't respect staying in its place and apparently now, it's actually good? According to Tablas Creek, "The key to changing consumer perceptions of boxed wines is to fill them with good wine." That and arming young children with air-filled weapons.
Direct from the Dangit, Scammed Again Department, the Cloud Cellar has fallen and isn't getting back up. It's a classic case of: if it's too good to be true, as the scam was that they were often "upgrading" people to better wines: "Jim Helmers [...] said he received a Spanish Tempranillo valued at $7,900 through one such upgrade. That bottle is now stuck in the CloudCellar." I think all of us, really, really want to know what bottle is given that even 100-point bling daddy, Pingus is less that 800 bangers in the US.
Team Vulture has been circling on wine's delicious corpse as of late given the re-analyzed studies saying that wine has no health benefits and sadly, "only tastes good". In case you'd like to really understand how this all came to be, this piece explains it thoroughly and slowly given that it knows the audience are going to be a bunch of lushes.
On the latest episode of "Alors tu penses que tu peux la France?" (So you think you can France?), a Parisian woman moves to the countryside of Languedoc, buys a pile of goats, doesn't keep them in a fenced area, said goats wreak havoc on non-fenced vineyards, vine owners get (rightly) irate, and the Parisian replies, "But I've tried nothing and nothing's worked." Stay tuned for the next episode when everyone eats cheese actually made by the goats and end up in a (mostly-human) orgy because, France.
Some statistics wonks apparently decided to analyze everything that gets stolen in Spanish supermarkets. In Madrid, it's ice cream, Galicia, octopus and in Catalunya, thieves hit the Cava aisle (CA) which is ironic given how much it doesn't cost.
The appellation of Fitou in Languedoc has said, "Assez!" and are leaving the Languedoc association (FR) due to claims of heavy promotion of AOC Languedoc, lovingly-known locally as, AOC Carrefour.
Bringing new meaning to "I'd hate to be that guy", you've probably never had a meltdown for not getting a Gin & Tonic which made security truly giddy with dragging your screaming, pouty, entitled ass off a plane, unless of course... you were.
Apparently a Roman winery was found in the ruins of Villa of the Quintilii near Rome. The "villa had its own theatre, an arena for chariot races and a baths complex with walls and floors lined in sumptuous marble", so essentially just like any winery in Napa Valley except with taste.
In a clear case of "Give that Winery a Bone", Leaps & Bounds in Australia has started putting the photos of dogs looking for adoption on the labels. When asked for comment, rescue hounds Bruc & Mikey of @prioratdogs commented, "Excellent! Treats now. Um... 'please'."
Direct from l'Agence Internationale du Florida Peuple, allegedly a Florida Woman threw a glass of wine at Butthead impersonator and theoretical House of Representative member, Matt Gaetz. In a related story, it appears that Gaetz's forehead has a gravity of its own making as in 2019 a different woman threw a different drink at him as well.
It turns out that Emma Watson is the wine-drinking kid that every wine-drinking parent hopes to have. Sadly however, her brother is apparently launching Yet Another Gin Label and is widely-known to be the "disappointing one" in the family according to sources that totally aren't Emma Watson.
It seems everyone is going a bit nutballs over the new 'Drops of God' series. I suppose it's a bit warranted as you don't often hear the phrase, "hugely entertaining" about anything related to wine, given that most wine shows focus on some shitty guy yacking his yob off while supporting cast are paid to act as if he matters.
As Spanish court has told an electrical company that they were wrong for firing an employee that was drinking on the job because how could they really sure that he was drunk after having imbibed three liters of beer on a hot day?
Did you wake up today and think, "Hot damn, gimme some nun wine and make it Dutch!" because hopefully you and 59,999 other people have the same idea. The nuns at Sint-Catharinadal ended up with a bumper crop last year which will fund their convent as long as people buy the Auxerrois, Pinot Blanc, and Pinot Gris white wine and the Pinot Noir and Gamay rosé. Sadly, shipping is only available in the Netherlands and... UK?
Lastly, we receive word from the horribly-annoying world of "Salt Bae". While the fact that he has a "salt boy" (which sounds a great deal like a piss boy), it's his approach to wine that should leave any reader of this site, truly cold, offended, and over-salted: "If customers left wine in a bottle they purchased, bartenders were told to resell it in glasses, he said. When retailers brought over wine samples, usually free, he said, bartenders were asked to sell them to customers instead." Just when you thought it couldn't get worse than the $300 "Golden Burger", Salt Bae brings you, "used wine".
Until we meet again, up in the cul of the cuvée.