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Cul de Cuvée: 21 November 2023
Bluntly-curated bits served up "mostly fresh" by Hudin.com
We at CdC HQ will totally agree that 2023 has yet again been a tough year.
Sometimes after a long day of said year, swimming upstream through the sheer futility of it all, you just wanna go home, Netflix and chill with a fresh bottle of Yellowtail Chard and then the shop down the road won't sell it to you because of “the law” and you're like, “I’ve watched ‘Office Space’ and well, I'll burn this shit down and then you do.”
Up from The Bureau of Boxes & Bottles comes news that Campo Viejo (apparently, “the UK’s number one Spanish wine”?) has released a new boxed wine. This will of course come as a surprise to many drinkers of Campo Viejo who were under the impression they were already drinking a boxed wine that just happened to come in a bottle.
There’s a new “strategic plan” from the Court of Master Sommeliers Americas. That's fine, but has there finally been a "Kruth Clause" introduced to help guide members as to when it is and when it is not appropriate to fondle fellow sommeliers or masturbate in front of them? While most do know the answers to these questions, there are those still out in the weeds and in need of
advising being put on a watchlist.
Apparently they’ve discovered that red wine headaches are caused by ‘quercetin’. Some aren’t so sure, saying that more research is needed and our in house Cul Laboratories are still convinced that it’s that stuff called “alcohol”.
As the tourism season in Europe (sorta?) winds down and people are finally getting rehydrated after making the mistake of coming to visit during the new feature called, “Death Summers”, perhaps you’re already planning your own adventures for next year? But how to know if a potential destination is in fact a tourist trap in The Europe? Stag parties? Spar supermarkets? Irish pubs? Well, this is very much d) all of the above, but it's also e) Euronet ATMs which are the biggest giveaway and biggest scam.
For anyone keeping tabs on such things, word has been circulating that the Musk Big Idea of CyberBeer: CyberSucks. Unfortunately, due to the skyhigh CyberPrice, many have found themselves caught in the “I bought it, so now I gotta drink it” paradox.
In this week’s edition of “Waiter? Somm, please!” we learn that Leah Rudick’s “Wealthy Woman” has found out about the Taco Sommelier. For any Real Sommeliers out there, if you want to know what’s worse than trying to convince the public to drink Riesling and Sherry, there’s also a “Mate Sommelier”. And of course for anyone who has chosen to live on the beefy side of life, there’s a “Burger Sommelier”. Forever and always, what a time it is to be alive.
The brilliant minds of the civil servants in the Catalan Tourism Agency have now decided to promote Barcelona—Spain's most over-touristed city—as a destination "for Christmas" (CAT). Rumor has it that pending Catalan Tourism Agency gems will possible be, “Barcelona in July: Heat stroke is just the beginning” or “Come for August, it's not the kind of shitty you think it is.”
If you’re not cutting your foie gras with your national health card, then you’re just not living.
So they’re saying that people need to drink less wine? Well, Mother Nature has an app for that! Current totals are appearing to show that 2023 was the smallest global wine production in 60 years. Good luck trying to hide that on your LinkedIn profile, World Wine Industry.
Hot off our Desk of Existential Threats comes word that apparently alcohol might be ruining your orgasm. And this when you thought you’d finally got your orgasms housetrained…
What will come as news to no one in Coastal Spain, apparently British women lead the world in binge drinking thus making the “Tactical Chunder” less of a tool when out on the town and more of a lifestyle choice.
French police certainly aren’t sitting around chopping up their foie gras with health cards as they’ve managed to thwart the theft of 600,000€ of Champagne. Of course, 600k is a “top value” given that it was Moët et Chandon and who knows if it was on sale at Spar that week.
And of course, if you can’t get that Yellowtail Chard nor anything else because you’ve just set fire to the shop down the road, don’t stay at home and make cocktails, just do shots of Fireball. It’s basically a cocktail after all.
We reiterate our calls for making the #XPepperMuskChallenge really and truly happen. “It burns! It burns! Oh my grifting, humorless face how it burns!”
Until we meet again, up in the cul of the cuvée.