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Cul de Cuvée: 28 September 2023
Bluntly-curated booze bits served up "mostly fresh" by Hudin.com
As fall has arrived and September draws to fitful close around us, we, here at CdC upper management must first of all give apologies for the missed issue.
The supposedly “crack” CdC team claimed emotional distress after returning from their lengthy August holiday and demanded a post-holiday holiday in order to cope with the return to work.
Disciplinary action will be taken as you, the loyal reader deserve a CdC that approaches the regularity of a high-fiber diet.
With that bit of sorry-not-sorry out of the way, we begin with, what else? Scandal and scandal in Russia which is an extensive look at Herr Putin’s extensive wineries. How does one amass two small winery investments in Russia? One starts with an enormous corrupt fortune in Russia, clearly.
Almendralejo in Extremadura, Spain may better known for producing non-Catalan Cava (this is actually a selling point for some) but in a 21st century case of "huh huh, 'boobs'" teenage boys have discovered they can make deep fakes of local girls naked which continues to demonstrate what is greatest threat to our existence—the teenage boys. You thought it was AI? Pfft. AI will clearly be a benevolent future ruler of we, the planet’s finest mouth-breathing beings according to something Elon Musk probably tweeted.
In new research that's been released over the last few months, wine's true origin has been found. We now know once and for all... that wine... is PEOPLE! Extremely-stretched Soylent Green references aside, this article not only has some good meat to chew on, but also pretty graphics that give a good idea of how the wine grapes we all know and love got to be with us today.
Oh... could it be that Georgia has fired up their press trip engines again? Nah. Also, given that writing anything along the lines of "Former Soviet republics" is officially out of (AP) style, if you find yourself relying on those references a bit too much, just use the Ray Charles song reference instead. Totally not worn out AF.
Hot off the That Ain’t Sustainable Newswire comes a polite reminder that paper wine bottles, aren't only paper and in fact can be of a dubious recycling ability no matter how people might say otherwise. You know what is fully reusable, recyclable, and goes SMASH when teenage boys throw it? That would be the ancient wine vessel we know as "glass".
Some are saying that the large 2023 harvest will stop the "Burgundy bubble" but, given that nothin’ breaks like a heart, nothin' stops a bubble like a pop.
Just before the inflight meal service could begin on a Delta flight to Barcelona, there was an “explosive” incident (CAT) involving a passenger that had made poor pre-flight meal choices and required the plane to turn around due to said incident affecting 20-30 rows. How do we know these intimate details? Because Catalans are poo-obsessed and filmed the aftermath!
From the current issue of our sister publication, “Happy Mainland!” comes word that the secret in being part of China’s newest trend, that of a young, “broke ghost”, is to hit up the bargain shop, HotMaxx where off-brand Spanish wine near its expiration date (there is such a thing for wine?) is all the rage and one has to assume that “off-brand” means sipping on the fine, “Crampo Viejo” wines of “DO Grioja”.
Normally I'd mock the genetic bejesus out of articles like this because they feature "unknown" grapes like: White Grenache, Vermentino, and Malbec. But I have to admit that I'd never heard of Cabernet Pfeffer and only vaguely knew about Rossese prior to reading this, so yes, a mighty fine tip of the hat to y'all despite Mencía being known to the point that some people even hate it—this is how you measure success in the 21st by the way.
From our Infectious Appetizers Bureau comes word that the Bordeaux wine bar botulism (which freakin’ killed a person!) has officially been "owned". Let’s leave sardine curing up to the professionals going forward… although on a far less fatal note, 48 people contracted salmonella from a “medieval dinner” at a fair in Castelló d’Empúries in Catalunya which is a reminder that just because you’ve make the unfortunate life choice of going to a medieval fair, you don’t need to pick up medieval maladies.
Wait, were you just ignoring what was clearly just stated about non-glass bottles? Ah yes, instead of “paper bottles”, let’s use plastic to “save CO2”, right? Well, keep in kind that Lego (makers of multi-generational choking hazards) said that attempting to use recycled plastic bottles for their toys actually incurs more energy use. Depressing? Yup! Solution? Stop using plastic when glass is ever-so-sexy and infinitely recyclable! Or how about even reusing wine bottles, like they’ve started in Oregon?
Lastly, is it actually time for Thanksgiving wine articles or is it the case that an intern jumped the gun and re-ran the re-run from last year, a bit too early? Don’t think too hard on that one because people need to finally understand that all you need is a definitive wine guide to Thanksgiving you can keep re-using for decades.
Until we meet again, up in the cul of the cuvée.